Bastard Swordsman (1983)

Bastard Swordsman is a 1983 film from the legendary Shaw Brothers Studio, directed by (Tony) Lou Chun-Ku (Angel Terminators 2 and more). This movie whips ass!  It is 95 minutes of martial arts madness, jam packed with at least 3 distinctive magic kung-fu disciplines, 10 prominent named characters, a half dozen betrayals and backstory reveals, and approximately 50 fight scenes. Seriously, there are an absurd number of fights considering how much plot and drama are also in the script. 

The movie has a helpful/amusing gimmick of introducing each major character accompanied by a graphic displaying “actor as character’s name,” continuing long after the opening scenes. At first it was overwhelming, and I just let the movie wash over me as I delighted in the fights. Then when the movie started revealing some character motivations/mysteries halfway through, I realized I actually understood who everyone was and their various relationships/conflicts. None of it is too complex, but it is still impressive given the number of moving pieces and the movie’s devotion to delivering almost constant action. It also helps that they come up with distinctive looks and fighting styles for each character. There is no way you are going to forget the guy with pink eyebrows who shows up for one scene when he returns with his gang 45 minutes later.

"eyebrows..." -FLCL

Even the minor asshole characters at the school have distinctive enough hairstyles that I remembered exactly who bullied the protagonist when they showed up again.

The titular Bastard(Norman Chui as Yun Fei Yang) is introduced serving as live-target practice for the students of the Wudang martial arts school. He has to dodge and block incoming throwing knives with two cutouts he is holding. When he quits because the fuckers keep hitting him, their superior retorts, “If they can hit the target, do they even need one?” It escalates to everyone mocking him for being a bastard, then beating him. This is interrupted by the school’s only female disciple, the beautiful Leanne Lau as Lun Wan Er. Lun obviously has some affinity for Yun and she tries to stick up for him. Unfortunately, the superiors’ superiors repeat, “if they can hit the target every time, why do they need to practice?” They accuse Yun of sowing discord and punish him. This scenario of Yun’s half-heard explanations and Lun’s attempt to help making it worse plays out multiple times across the story. Yun is like the Jack Tripper of Wudang, except instead of light sex-farce shenanigans his constant misunderstandings result in berating, beatings, and shameful forced poetry readings.

they never do

The movie is 5 minutes in now, so it's time for a fight scene. A violent visiting messenger comes to see Wudang’s Abbot (Wang Jung as Qing Song). The messenger is from the Invincible Clan, here to remind Qing it is almost time for the duel he has with Invincible leader Wudi every 10 years (and to taunt Qing about Wudi beating him both 10 and 20 years ago). Qing shows a strong, defiant face in public. In private he goes to HIS master (jeez, how much management does this temple have?) to express doubts about whether he can defeat Wudi. Then the master spars with Qing and the action levels up. This is the kind of movie where characters only touch the ground when they want to. Being able to stand on the tip of your opponent’s sword is the baseline reality, and things only get crazier from there. First, the master blocks Qing’s blows while staying seated. Cool but somewhat standard, it's like hearing a new song with a familiar riff. Then he floats into the air still cross-legged, and starts spinning around punching and blocking. That’s the guitar solo, squealing and showing off in a way that is both cheesy and cool. Then they start fighting with a book in ways I can’t describe, and all of a sudden the guitar solo has morphed into some epic prog rock crescendo, creating previously unknown tones and harmonies that resonate in your brain.

the end result

This is why I love movies. Sometimes I get to see something truly unique to the magic of cinema, and I am in awe of the creativity and talent involved. This was probably my favorite moment, but the rest of the movie is packed with endlessly inventive ideas involving crazy fighting techniques, everyone and everything flying and spinning through the air, weapons smashing and slashing through environments. The creative choreography combined with practical and optical effects/tricks range from adorably goofy to “how the hell did they do that?” There are cool sets, costumes, and camera angles.

After tesing him, Qing Song's master does some kung-fu math, determining that Qing’s Yin-Yang Sword Technique should be able to defeat Wudi’s Demon Annihilation Technique, as long as it is level 7 or below. When they finally duel, Wudi busts out level 8 (represented by a green light on him) and defeats Qing. Wudi lets Qing live, but gives the Wudang school 2 years to train someone who can defeat him or he will destroy them all! Alright, 20 minutes in and we have our main conflict, right? Time to introduce more characters and subplots! Chivalrous stranger Liu Yung defends Qing from attackers, losing his family in the process. Liu is accepted into the Wudang school, and starts competing with Yun for Lun’s attention and competing with everyone else to be the best fighter/next Abbott. We get into a stretch of shifting alliances and backstory reveals that are still punctuated by constant action and training scenes. In one memorable moment, Wudi’s wife reveals the very understandable reason she cheated on him:

cue Jerry Springer audience "ooooohhh!"

Obviously I recommend this movie, so if you plan on watching and want to avoid SPOILERS for the last act stop reading here…

Similarly, the fabled Silkworm technique requires a virgin man, which means poor Bastard Yun qualifies. First, he confronts Wudi and Wudi literally punches the martial arts out of him and walks away. Then Yun is healed by Wudi’s wife. The Silkworm technique also needs the energy of three women: Lun, Wudi’s “daughter” Feng, and Feng’s mother/Wudi’s wife.

Turns out Qing Song was secretly Feng’s father AND Yun’s father (with a different woman, I thought Abbots only got that much ass if they were affiliated with the Wu-Tang Clan!). They put Yun in a cocoon, then he comes out so much stronger his hair goes white. His enemies recognize instantly that he has gone Super Saiyan.

Yun and Lun go to confront the traitorous Liu, who along with his secret minions (remember pink eyebrows from earlier?) has killed Qing Song and his master and taken over Wudang. Earlier when Liu took over and demanded everyone pledge loyalty to remain, the asshole Elders and all the bullies who harassed Yun submit and join him. The men who refuse all immediately commit mass suicide to try and protect the honor of Wudang! That’s when Lun ran off and found Yun. Yun has a crazy-ass, multi-stage epic duel with Liu that climaxes with him cocooning them both and exploding, leaving Liu a bloody pile of skeleton. All of the remaining coward Wudangers congratulate Yun and have the utter gall to say they believed in him and bullied him to make him stronger.

these fuckin guys

I wanted so much for him to kung-fu laser these motherfuckers into oblivion, but fortunately for them Yun is a bigger man than I. He tells the Elders he hopes they can maintain the school and leaves to wander the world. In their parting exchange, Lun finally realizes the depths of Yun’s feelings and decides to leave with him. Roll credits and awesome theme music (which another film fan I talk to online used in this hip hop remix).

Okay, so our man Yun gets the cute, badass girl (although I was rooting for Yun/Feng until I found out they were half-siblings)... but does he have to remain a virgin for the Silkworm power to work? Can they at least do hand stuff? Ah, I’m sure those crazy kids will figure it out. If I have learned anything from the existence of Mormon soaking and Southern Baptist buttsex, its that boners will always find a way. Joking aside, I was left thinking about where the plot ended. Earlier in the film, Yun confronted Qing Song about everyone abusing him and refusing to let him train (he can only train in secret with a masked master that turns out to be Qing). Yun told Qing that the Elders ain’t shit, and if anything happened to Qing that Wudang would fall apart. Then they immediately fractured when Liu took over, killing themselves or submitting. Yet at the end of the movie, the cowards and bullies are the survivors, and will seemingly carry on the Wudang name with no shame in their game. Also odd, Wudi walked out of the movie after defeating pre-cocoon Yun and never came back! For a minute I happily theorized maybe Wudi would come back and destroy the remaining Wudangers, but he left the movie laughing and it seemed like his actual beef was with Qing Song (for the whole cuckolding thing). So the initial villain is still at large, a lot of decent people died, and the worst of Wudang are now in charge. But the Bastard still walks off accompanied by triumphant music. I guess sometimes you just have to leave the real bastards behind in their mess and go off to find adventure and love (and don’t ignore that love to practice the Demon Annihilation Technique!).

I feel like this movie had a big influence on the Blade of the Immortal manga (and probably plenty of other comics/anime/video games)