Lady Terminator (1988)

The most dick-destruction since Naked Killer! The most naked killer since Lifeforce! Enough blank rounds and bloody squibs that you might actually get tired of it!

Lady Terminator is a 1988 Indonesian cult classic from Tjut Djalil, director of Mystics of Bali (which I still need to see). It was one of my “bad movie night” picks last October, and my wife and I had a ball with it. It ended up being selected for the latest Fridays of Fury Action Club (feel free to check out upcoming movies and participate here.) Even though it has been less than a year, we were happy to re-watch this bizarre combination of “erotic” horror and action.

It starts in the past with the mystical dick-ripping Queen of the South Sea riding men until blood squirts everywhere. She disappears after swearing vengeance on the descendant of a guy who steals her magic glowing vagina eel and turns it into a dagger (as one does). This is probably the only Terminator rip-off that has a “based on the legend of” opening credit, and definitely the only one that has a magic vagina eel (your fan-fiction doesn’t count, don’t send it to me!).

In modern day 1988, her spirit possesses an attractive, big-haired lady (“I'm not a lady, I’m an anthropologist!”). The possessed anthropologist walks out of the sea naked and immediately encounters some cartoonishly scummy guys, but unlike Arnold she mounts one before making dick-blood squirt everywhere. She somehow finds a hotel room that has a painting of her, the South Sea Queen’s old form. Then she stares at it until lighting shoots out of her eyes (and boobs!), blowing up the mini-bar and making the painting fly around.

cinema at its finest

An unfortunate security guard is sent to investigate her breaking into the room. This might be my favorite 5 second performance in any movie ever. He walks up saying “hmmm…” and then just casually lifts an uzi into frame in such a way that my wife and I thought he was going to either scratch his nose or push up the brim of his hat (her better joke). Then he knocks on her door, gets pulled in and disappears.

We meet Erica, from the music video that was playing during the hotel chaos. She will turn out to be the descendant/revenge target, but right now she is talking to a reporter. At one point the reporter says, to the woman she is interviewing on TV, “Well, I hope you’ll be famous soon.” Damn, that’s harsh! I also loved her bizarre sign-off, “Well I’m sure you’ve all met Erica. A sweet girl who's going to be doing a rock show tonight. Back to you Jack.” 

We also meet a random American cop in a bar who stops some ridiculous looking “tough guys” from harassing women. In another example of this movie’s hilarious dubbing, their insulting/threatening line when entering the bar is, “You guys serve beer here, or just milk?” More importantly (to me, not the plot), we meet the cop’s friends. One of them is named Snake, he has a huge feathered mullet wig, and he acts like Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High despite being a soldier or mercenary? Later when the cop calls them for help, Snake is smoking a joint and nonsensically rips off an iconic Predator line. I love him.

Erica gives a lengthy musical performance (this is an 80s movie, after all) in a club. The anthropologist enters now rocking the thug’s leather jacket and the guard’s uzi. This is where it fully turns into a rip-off of The Terminator, after enough runtime and weirdness that you might have forgotten that’s what the title and cover initially sold you. You get the neon-drenched club shooting and a long version of the police station assault with an absurd number of casualties. They even recreate the eye removal scene for no reason! 

Things eventually culminate in a seemingly endless shootout/car/helicopter chase. Everyone unloads round after round despite their weapons obviously having no effect on her (if only she could tell them this constantly, like Prince of Space!). Soldier buddies die. Snake rides on top of an “armored” vehicle firing a machine gun, then yells obscenities at the goddess while ramming her car.

living his best life

Then the goddess gets partially blown up but she just looks kinda like a burned up zombie because she’s not actually a Terminator(™). Then she starts shooting eye lasers. Why? Because it's awesome, of course. Eventually the eel dagger comes into play and saves the day.

This is enough crazy/cheesy fun that it stood up to a second viewing, and I can definitely see myself watching it again down the road. As with most “good-bad” movies it does have some slow/repetitive points. This time around I skipped the excessively long opening credits and I was tempted to skip Erica’s (full?) song performance, but I made it through. It does also occasionally test the limits of whether nothing but boobage and bloody squibs can hold the viewer’s attention, but the energy level and odd moments that continue even after it goes full Terminator kept it from falling into a rut for me.

This is the only acting role for former dancer and make-up artist (a job she also did on this film) Barbara Anne Constable. Her performance as the Anthropologist Terminator is impossible to judge by any traditional standards, as the entire movie is dubbed, her role is limited, and the script is bonkers. But her energy is amusingly petulant as “Tania,” and then suitably pissed off once she is possessed. She looks good with a leather jacket and a gun.

Constable has a pretty face and a bangin’ body, but she also has a unique enough look that she doesn’t seem like a standard supermodel or someone you would assume was destined for stardom. I don’t know how much of that comes down to the hair, though. Holy hell, the shape and volume of her perm are ridiculous and I am here for it. The century old sea goddess seems to have an instant understanding of how to operate cars, firearms, and advanced hair care products. This movie would be pretty fun anyway, but something about our unstoppable killing machine rocking a huge perm really elevates the ridiculousness of the whole affair. Highly recommended to any fans of crazy-ass movies who haven't seen it.