L.A. Wars (1994)

If The Hidden was like a Grand Theft Auto rampage in movie form, L.A. Wars is the movie version of rushing through a bunch of low-level GTA missions. Below are my real-time thoughts with about 5 minutes of editing, which means they are more coherent than the movie itself.

LA WARS

drug deal hot chick with a gun exploding car

mob dad (who sometimes sounds like Fat Tony from Simpsons but is thin) insulting his daughter's fashion choices

our ex-cop(?) bar bouncer(?) hero(?) immediately shoots two guys and his first line to the police chief is "Fuck you!"

an incredibly hairy man who looks like the love child of Vincent D'Onofrio and Billy Bob Thornton immediately leads Thin Tony's guys to the drug dealer robbers. They get shot, except for the hot chick, who runs like a Molly Shannon character. Her boss is Rodrigo Obregon (multiple Andy Sidaris flicks), and he reacts to his nephew the robber's death with more excessive violence. Is this going to be the whole movie? I'm ok with that.

Oh wait, now it's gratuitous titties. Oh wait, it's still excessive violence!

Ok, its slowing down for a minute to pretend to be a movie. The chief immediately decides to recruit our hero he hates and fired, because he accidentally saves Thin Tony's daughter! The ill-fated limo driver looks like a Mr. Show character. Jump kick! Hero got fired for murdering a child molester he caught in the act with his bare hands. That's pretty excessive and heavy, but that's ok cuz the movie doesn't think so, it's just "Quinn's Law!" So I guess our hero is Quinn.

"Do it by the book Quinn!"

LOL you stupid chief he literally just told you he only follows "Quinn's Law!"

Quinn proves he can protect the daughter by beating up thin tony's goons and holding a knife to daughter's throat!

Many cardboard boxes were harmed during the making of this film.

More murders! the three guys huddled around a single filthy toilet doing coke didn't need to be shot, they were already dead inside.

More boom mics!

and the daughter immediately fucks him for saving her life then holding a knife to her throat.

Is our undercover hero calling the chief OF POLICE on thin tony's HOUSE PHONE?!

ohmigod this music montage. And she fell in love over the course of that montage. And maybe he loves her? it's hard to tell what is just bad acting and what is him being the world's worst undercover cop.

hey she can actually shoot, and she had to save Quinn from an ass beating! that's impressive for a movie this meat-headed.

This stripper's moves are as stiff as her fake tits.

and the obsessed mobster is about to rape his boss's daughter until Quinn magically appears. "Daddy already knows..." wait, how? And Thin Tony lets him go? So he can immediately join up with the rival crime boss, easily break back into Thin Tony's and take him and the daughter hostage, hang thin tony, and then shoot Obregon after a triple cross. That was quick.

At this point the movie is just washing over me.

That was a pretty lame "arming up" montage.

more cardboard box murder

HOLY SHIT hot chick with gun caught a fuckin knife in the face courtesy of our hero and sprayed blood, that was unexpected.

And now the final fight(?) is two guys wrestling in cardboard boxes.

Then Quinn lets the lady get shot and runs off without checking on her to take the bad guy out. good thing she's ok.

Quinn sucks.